Ever wonder why your dinners taste awful or how stubbing your toe only occurs in the evening? Chances are the moon doesn't like you, in fact it likely hates your face.
An elite group of astrologers, through their relentless pursuit of "real" science has discovered large astral bodies have their own personality.
This discovery has been hidden from the public. We at The Wokest received a highly classified report that explains in detail the personality of all known planets and moons in our solar system.
While we cannot divulge who brought us this report, they did agree to be interviewed under the alias, "Not Bill Gates".
TW: Thank you for sitting with us today, before we begin can you please tell our readers what you do?
NBG: I work as lead Astrologist for a prestigious college. My main task was finding why our moons and planets influenced behavior.
TW: How did your work shift into discovering personalities of astral bodies?
NBG: In 2010 my team and I were examining the chemistry of Neptune and what in its atmosphere provides inspiration, enlightenment, and sometimes confusion.
We found, using our specialized mood probes, we had difficulty isolating one of Neptune's primary gases, helium. Every time alignment on helium occurs, the planet would shift as if it was turning away. One of our interns said jokingly, "Aw, don't be shy" and almost immediately helium came back into alignment.
TW: Does this mean Neptune is shy?
NBG: We weren't sure, so I invited our Chief Astrologist to observe. As soon as she entered the room, the helium alignment was again skewed. On a whim I said out loud "It's okay, she's a friend". Helium once again came back into alignment. Indeed, Neptune is shy.
TW: That's incredible. Did you test other planets?
NBG: Yes. But before we could get any real data we needed to calibrate our mood oscilators. Instead of detecting what happens to us in relation to a particular planet, we reversed the instruments. Now we can see how the planets react to people instead of the other way around. Now we can essentially converse with these planets and get to know them on a personal level.
TW: Which planet did you observe first?
NBG: We wanted to start with the closest planets first because these are the planets that affect people the most. We first examined Mars. But I want to make clear we're not just examining, we're also interviewing them. We developed a standard set of questions to ask every planet so we can get a baseline. These are the questions we asked:
- How are you feeling?
- Do you have an astrological sign?
- What do you think of people?
- What message do you want people to hear?
TW: Oh wow! I'm interested to know what Mars thinks, as so many are sensitive to it.
NBG: We are happy to report Mars is in good spirits. It's astrological sign is Susan. We found it generally likes people with one exception, it said "whenever people realize I'm in retrograde they want to blame me for whatever weirdness is happening in their life. That's unfair. I would never blame Susan for a meteorite hitting me."
In response to what message it wanted us to hear, it said "I am, in fact a woman, and no men are from here."
TW: Very interesting. I think everyone is guilty of blaming Mars. I'll remember to take responsibility for all spilled lattes in the future.
Which planet was next?
NBG: Venus was skeptical at first, but agreed to answer a few questions. Although it responded "fine." when asked how it was feeling, we got the impression Venus had a lot going on. Before we could ask the next question it launched into a political diatribe about the Sun and its grip on the middle class. It told us, "the Sun is trying to control everyone and not to fall for its spin."
TW: So Venus is a conspiracy theorist?
NBG: We wanted to give Venus the benefit of the doubt, so we decided to ask the Sun directly.
TW: So you skipped Mercury?
NBG: Mercury was very arrogant and seemed more interested in perfecting its tan than speaking with us.
TW: How was the Sun?
NBG: Star struck, we were worried the Sun would decline our interview. To our surprise, the Sun was eager to speak with us. Not only is the Sun feeling "great". It thinks people are "great", all the planets are "great", and is shockingly humble for being the literal center of the solar system. Even though many of us were excited to meet the Sun, some got the feeling it was hiding something as nothing can be THAT optimistic.
TW: Did you try speaking to other things like asteroids or moons?
NBG: Yes. We interviewed several moons. Most had generic, scripted responses prepared by their governing planets except for one. Our moon.
TW: That's interesting! What did our moon have to say?
NBG: I regret to say our moon does not believe in astrology, and does not like us very much. In fact, I'm putting this lightly.
The moon stated,
"I have to witness the stupidest things people do at night, especially when they can see all of me. I am confident in my disdain for humanity."
Of course, we're shocked as we've always attributed full moons to the unexplainable.
TW: What did it have to say about that?
NBG: We asked directly why people react negatively when it is completely visible. Here's its response:
"When I'm fully exposed, it's a signal for migration, mating, etc. I'm not providing extra light so Cletus can blow his hand off messing around with fireworks, or for Karen to blame me for her waiter forgetting to put in her order. It seems I get blamed for everything, but only if they can see all of me. Just because there's a shadow doesn't mean I'm not "full". I'm 100% moon 100% of the time, shadows be damned."
TW:Doesn't the moon control the ocean's tide? Does it not like its current job?
NBG: That's apparently a misconception. The moon does control the tide, but it's for a completely different reason. It is trying to drown us and has been working at it for thousands of years.
TW: Wow. So where do we go from here?
NBG: It is our professional opinion that we as a species must better our relationship with the moon. We must take ownership of our mistakes, and avoid using the moon, and other astral bodies as reasonable explanations for incompetent, and unexplained behavior.